Over Christmas I read a post by a woman to other women regarding marriage. The lady warned them against marrying men who grew up without fathers.
Whilst her post is written from a black perspective, what she has to say crosses racial and socio-economic lines. I can think of several white men from the middle and upper-middle classes from mother-only homes who fit the pattern she describes.
What follows are excerpts (emphases mine) from Black Female Culture‘s ‘Limit Personal Drama By Avoiding Fatherless Men’. Please take the time to read the analysis in full — fascinating in its truth.
… Believe me, the last thing I want to do is blame Black women for the huge number of Black men who refuse to take part in parenting their children – we get blamed enough for the actions of others, but pretending that the epidemic level of fatherlessness is not affecting Black children negatively – well into adulthood, is nothing more than denial.
Consider your own friends and acquaintances. I have noticed, since I was a teen, that girls (like myself) who were raised by their fathers were not getting pregnant or acting desperate for male attention. While those who had single moms usually popped out at least one kid by graduation day, if they even graduated …
And the boys…Those without a positive male role model, which is at least 85% (I’m being generous) of those without their father in the home, end up displaying violent criminal behaviors, sociopathic and misogynistic tendencies, and a deep seated anger. And that anger is always seeking a vulnerable target to destroy. This is usually where Black women and children come in.
Men with proper fathers or father figures, in my experience, are thoughtful, manly, courteous and family oriented. That’s a generalization I know, but this is MY experience. I have never met a man with a proper father who wanted me to pay for a dinner he invited me to (this recently happened to a friend), or failed to open the door for me — car or building, or who blamed “feminism” for all their problems. Men who are raised by real men know how to be real men …
When a woman puts a man’s upbringing, character and shared values first, finding an ideal husband becomes simple, almost easy. She stops making the same mistakes in choosing a man, because her criterion is set. Those who do not fit that criterion are never entertained with the notion that they will ever be anything other than an acquaintance. She no longer gives unworthy men “a chance” to waste her time. Which brings me to another point: Do not hide your desire to be married with children ...
The author’s rationale in saying this is that less time is wasted on men who do not fit the brief.
In the last part of her post — a must-read — emphases are the author’s:
I want to add that I’m not saying all men who, through no fault of their own, grew up without a father’s love and guidance are poor husband material. But all things being equal, a fatherless man is more likely to:
- have an unnatural attachment to his mother, yet hate women; and his mother will likely hate you for taking her place
- He is more likely to see you as competition instead of a partner in life.
- He is more likely to be catty, manipulative and/or passive aggressive when you don’t do what he wants.
- He is more likely to hate and fear feminism; yet, seek to live a feminist lifestyle, with a woman carrying his burdens as well as her own.
- He is more likely to be deeply insecure and have low self-worth, because he was rejected by his own father. Such a man will seek to bring you down to his level through verbal, emotional and, often, physical abuse.
- He will probably NEVER trust you, but will test your “loyalty” to him at every turn, while destroying any trust you may have had in him.
- And he is more likely to be emotionally detached from you and any children you may have together, even if he bothers to marry you.
I know a woman who came from a family of means and wanted a child but no husband. Although her son is now married, from his earliest years at school he never felt he fit. At school on the Fridays before Father’s Day, when classes were nearly out of session for the summer in their country, the lad was devastated that he was the only boy who had no father for whom he could create a card or gift. One can imagine he ruminated during the ensuing holidays about his father’s identity.
I am not sure he even knows who his father is today. He is almost 30 years old. His mother refuses to tell him.
The young man married well, thanks to his family’s connections. However, it will be hard for me to forget how shabbily he treated his mother when growing up (like a maid), how he has railed against God since his adolescence and how much unresolved inner rage he has.
Sure, he had other men in the family who could spend time with him at the weekends, however, that hardly made up for the absence of a father.
An equally sad factor of this story and many others like it is that, for many years, his mother had the emotional attachment to her son that a woman would normally reserve for a husband. Fortunately, she gets on well with her daughter-in-law.
As the nuns used to say, ‘Act in haste, repent at leisure’. We can now see the long-term consequences of acting through self-gratification, widespread in Western society. It’s high time we started examining our potential personal choices much more closely.