Over Christmas I read a post by a woman to other women regarding marriage. The lady warned them against marrying men who grew up without fathers.
Whilst her post is written from a black perspective, what she has to say crosses racial and socio-economic lines. I can think of several white men from the middle and upper-middle classes from mother-only homes who fit the pattern she describes.
What follows are excerpts (emphases mine) from Black Female Culture‘s ‘Limit Personal Drama By Avoiding Fatherless Men’. Please take the time to read the analysis in full — fascinating in its truth.
… Believe me, the last thing I want to do is blame Black women for the huge number of Black men who refuse to take part in parenting their children – we get blamed enough for the actions of others, but pretending that the epidemic level of fatherlessness is not affecting Black children negatively – well into adulthood, is nothing more than denial.
Consider your own friends and acquaintances. I have noticed, since I was a teen, that girls (like myself) who were raised by their fathers were not getting pregnant or acting desperate for male attention. While those who had single moms usually popped out at least one kid by graduation day, if they even graduated …
And the boys…Those without a positive male role model, which is at least 85% (I’m being generous) of those without their father in the home, end up displaying violent criminal behaviors, sociopathic and misogynistic tendencies, and a deep seated anger. And that anger is always seeking a vulnerable target to destroy. This is usually where Black women and children come in.
Men with proper fathers or father figures, in my experience, are thoughtful, manly, courteous and family oriented. That’s a generalization I know, but this is MY experience. I have never met a man with a proper father who wanted me to pay for a dinner he invited me to (this recently happened to a friend), or failed to open the door for me — car or building, or who blamed “feminism” for all their problems. Men who are raised by real men know how to be real men …
When a woman puts a man’s upbringing, character and shared values first, finding an ideal husband becomes simple, almost easy. She stops making the same mistakes in choosing a man, because her criterion is set. Those who do not fit that criterion are never entertained with the notion that they will ever be anything other than an acquaintance. She no longer gives unworthy men “a chance” to waste her time. Which brings me to another point: Do not hide your desire to be married with children ...
The author’s rationale in saying this is that less time is wasted on men who do not fit the brief.
In the last part of her post — a must-read — emphases are the author’s:
I want to add that I’m not saying all men who, through no fault of their own, grew up without a father’s love and guidance are poor husband material. But all things being equal, a fatherless man is more likely to:
- have an unnatural attachment to his mother, yet hate women; and his mother will likely hate you for taking her place
- He is more likely to see you as competition instead of a partner in life.
- He is more likely to be catty, manipulative and/or passive aggressive when you don’t do what he wants.
- He is more likely to hate and fear feminism; yet, seek to live a feminist lifestyle, with a woman carrying his burdens as well as her own.
- He is more likely to be deeply insecure and have low self-worth, because he was rejected by his own father. Such a man will seek to bring you down to his level through verbal, emotional and, often, physical abuse.
- He will probably NEVER trust you, but will test your “loyalty” to him at every turn, while destroying any trust you may have had in him.
- And he is more likely to be emotionally detached from you and any children you may have together, even if he bothers to marry you.
I know a woman who came from a family of means and wanted a child but no husband. Although her son is now married, from his earliest years at school he never felt he fit. At school on the Fridays before Father’s Day, when classes were nearly out of session for the summer in their country, the lad was devastated that he was the only boy who had no father for whom he could create a card or gift. One can imagine he ruminated during the ensuing holidays about his father’s identity.
I am not sure he even knows who his father is today. He is almost 30 years old. His mother refuses to tell him.
The young man married well, thanks to his family’s connections. However, it will be hard for me to forget how shabbily he treated his mother when growing up (like a maid), how he has railed against God since his adolescence and how much unresolved inner rage he has.
Sure, he had other men in the family who could spend time with him at the weekends, however, that hardly made up for the absence of a father.
An equally sad factor of this story and many others like it is that, for many years, his mother had the emotional attachment to her son that a woman would normally reserve for a husband. Fortunately, she gets on well with her daughter-in-law.
As the nuns used to say, ‘Act in haste, repent at leisure’. We can now see the long-term consequences of acting through self-gratification, widespread in Western society. It’s high time we started examining our potential personal choices much more closely.
12 comments
January 21, 2013 at 1:02 am
Amfortas
Yes, I can see it is a black woman’s perspective. But just one of many and a predominantly American black woman’s. And it leaves a great deal of pertinent observation out of the equation.
One might not take issue with the general thrust but to seemingly ignore the reasons why fatherlessness is so rife tends to almost negate what she is trying to say, and simply arouses the very anger in men that she observes.
For instance: “a fatherless man is more likely to: •have an unnatural attachment to his mother, yet hate women;”
Now, just how does she think that comes about? She avoids the obvious.
“He is more likely to be catty, manipulative and/or passive aggressive when you don’t do what he wants.” Hello !! He didn’t learn that strategy of moody, vindictive behaviour from the absent dad.
I could go on and itemise criticisms for all of her points, and while acknowleging the veracity of her observations, ask similarly pointed questions to illuminate the things she blatently neglects to mention.
LikeLike
January 21, 2013 at 1:06 am
churchmouse
It seems, to me, anyway, that she is saying too much woman is bad for the boy. A father would have tempered those excesses.
LikeLike
January 21, 2013 at 1:14 am
Amfortas
Yes indeed, but those excesses come from the mother and/or her own lack of tempering. She ( I am generalising, not pointing just at her) agreed with the excessive claim that she could do anything a man can and better. She agreed with the excessive claim that a woman (mother) needs a man (father) like a fish needs a bicycle. She cheered on the wreckers of family life. Sow excess and you are bound to reap a harvest of excess. Those excesses of her own seem to be enshrined in law at her demand, which has pushed fathers off their place in the family.
Now she complains.
The complaints are justifiable: she just gets the target wrong. She ignores the elephant in her sitting room.
LikeLike
January 21, 2013 at 1:19 am
churchmouse
I agree and, no doubt, so would the blogger (later edit follows) about the lack of tempering. I do not have reason to think the blogger is an unmarried mother. In fact, she is pointing black women out of the single mother syndrome — i.e. look to other men (any race) who have grown up in a home with Mum and Dad.
Should I have it wrong, please point out specifics because I’ve missed them.
LikeLike
January 21, 2013 at 2:27 am
Amfortas
I do not wish to appear overly critical of this lady. Perhaps I should temper my negative thrust, or spread it around a bit.
There is a crisis in the way our society apprehends masculinity and this is almost entirely down to Feminism’s assaults on reason. Our Legislators have knelt in homage before the endless demands of the Goddess and virtually outlawed all male attribute and instance from boyhood to God the Father. And few if any women raised objection to the calumnies heaped on their fathers, husbands, bothers and sons. Indeed here it continues, albeit obliquely.
The very idea that ‘helping’ women find a sound male-raised man for their daughters to marry is risable now. The men with sense are avoiding women like the plague. Young men with fathers have eyes and ears. They can see the carnage all around. They do not want even the nice girls from well mannered families, and why? Because every woman is issued with a shotgun when she as much as ‘cohabits’ let alone marries a chap, and a paper target to pin to his back. She doesn’t even have to buy it: it comes ‘free’. An entire army of lawyers and NGOs, Courts and professions are reliant upon her using that shotgun. The ‘rent-ssekers’ income from male-female relationship destruction is enormous. She may promise not to use it, but the pressures are unbearable. Even her friends will egg her on until she succumbs and blasts Mr Right, right between the shoulders.
No. Our lady blogger/author needs to turn her spotlight on Women. She needs to be urging woman to rise up and fight their sistas, demand the destruction of the plethora of laws and institutional evils and restore some sanity. Men are not heard. A ‘gun-ban’ is needed.
LikeLike
January 21, 2013 at 2:35 am
churchmouse
I do not understand the ‘gun-ban’ bit, although I am coming to it in upcoming posts.
This lady is urging women to change their outlook. If you look at the photographs on her blog header, I believe the man on the far right is her husband.
Although you are correct in saying that the push needs to go further — against more laws which are pro-women and anti-men — I would agree with the blogger in that this move needs to start from individual ladies themselves. This, I believe, is what she is pointing out. She isn’t anti-male, not by a long shot. She is pro-family: mother, father, children together.
I’m a bit mystified as to how you saw so many negatives in a pro-family post.
LikeLike
January 21, 2013 at 3:40 am
Amfortas
The move needs to start from the individual ladies themselves…. yes, and I applaud her taking a lead. I am ‘pro-family’ too, but clearly family is not faring well.
The ‘gun-ban’ alludes to my metaphor of the shotgun.
Again, let not my critique be seen as entirely negative. It is a long ‘questioning’. The ‘traditional’ family and its variants of ‘headship’, roles, pressures, contributions etc stood the test of time only while time and the world stood still. But the world and time moved on. Instead of supporting marriage and family during turbulent changes all around with just laws that recognised all parties and honoured them, the clamour was for ‘punishment’ for fantasy wrongs. And only of men.
The blogger noted something almost ‘overlookable’: the acceptance of, even claims to be ‘feminist’, in the abberant young males she spoke of. Far too many in our society have accepted some feminist or feminised mantras, not just the young. Just look at the mockery of Law we have all accepted along with the mantra “In the best interests of the children”.
It sounds good, but unsaid is its implication that certain classes of people have rights before others. Equality before the law is lost. In a Family the child does not have the same’rights’ as the parents; the parents have the right to determine the child’s milieu, and responsibilities to provide due care for all aspects of the child’s wellbeing. Both parents.
In LAW, no-one’s ‘rights’ should be held above the rights of others. The imposition of Law into personal, family relations may well be necessary in specific and rare cases but the Family Law specifically elevates the child into a position of ‘first’ and appoints One parent as the ‘executor’ of those rights. The other parent’s rights are artificially diminished or dismissed.
It is because of this that the ‘single mother’ problem is so huge and so out of control.
As Adolph Hitler wrote in mein Kampf: (paraphrase) “Tell them that it is in the best interests of the children and people will accept any limitations to their freedoms”.
And accept them we do.
LikeLike
January 21, 2013 at 3:49 am
churchmouse
Perhaps you are reading more into this than she intended?
LikeLike
January 21, 2013 at 3:51 am
Amfortas
Yes. I started off saying that.
LikeLike
January 21, 2013 at 4:23 am
churchmouse
That’s fine — the rest started to pile up against the lady. She’s on our side.
Have a good day.
LikeLike
January 22, 2013 at 9:22 pm
Mark James
Church Mouse has a post on fatherless black men making poor marriage partners (see
link below).
I just wanted to comment that black men are blamed for the 72% fatherless rate of
black children. However, black men may not be as irresponsible as it may appear
because:
1) Who knows what percent of black men are actually fathering all these childen?
If most black men are deadbeat dads, then why is only a small percent of black men
locked up for “flagrant non-support”?
2) Blacks teenage women are statistically known for having more than one child at
a rate higher than women of other races. The teenage fathers are in no position to
marry.
3) Black unmarried women generally have more children than unmarried women of
other races. Thus the few are making the many look bad statistically.
4) Hispanics and blacks are known for having about the same high illegitimacy
rates, much higher than whites. However, married black women have far fewer
children than white married women. Thus the percent of black babies born to
unmarried parents is artificially high at 72%.
See the next comment for statistics and links.
========
The perils of men growing up fatherless — from a woman’s perspective:
https://churchmousec.wordpress.com/2013/01/20/the-perils-of-men-growing-up-
fatherless-from-a-womans-perspective/
========
January 20, 2013 at 10:05 PM
bruce-church said…
Statistics and Links for Previous Comment:
Click to access nvs48_16.pdf
Figure 8. Birth rates for unmarried women: United States,
1970–98
Figure 12. Rate of second births to teenagers who have
had a first birth: United States, 1985–98
Table 3. Birth rates for unmarried women by age of mother, and race
Table 8. Birth rates for married women by age and race
——————
2010 census data – 2011 report:
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr61/nvsr61_01.pdf#table16
Nonmarital birth rates declined for all race and Hispanic origin population
groups. The rate for non-Hispanic white women fell 2 percent to 32.9 per 1,000.
Rates for black (65.3 in 2010) and API women
(22.3) fell 5 percent to 6 percent each, while the rate for Hispanic women dropped
10 percent to 80.6 per 1,000. Since peaking in 2007 at 102.1 per 1,000, the rate
for Hispanic women has declined 21 percent. Trends by age group were generally
similar within these populations, with rates declining for women under age 35.
————
http://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2009/02/the-math-on-black-out-of
-wedlock-births/6738/
It is important to realize that the “percent of births” is not a birth rate. The
birth rate is the number of births for every 1,000 women in a specific category.
The last marital birth rates calculated by the National Center for Health
Statistics were for 2002. In 2002, the black marital birth rate was 64.9 births
for every 1,000 married black women. The white marital birth rate was 88.2 for
every 1,000 married white women. The black marital birth rate was 23.3 births less
than the white rate. In the past, the black marital birth rate was higher than the
white rate. Because there is such a low number of births among married black
women, the percent of births to unmarried black women is especially high.
January 20, 2013 at 10:06 PM
LikeLike
January 22, 2013 at 10:54 pm
churchmouse
No, I did not post on ‘fatherless black men’ from my perspective because the fatherless men I know are white. One is half-American/half-European and the other is 100% one European nationality.
So, let’s get that straight from the beginning and not turn it into a racial issue when that was not what I had intended. Note that I said:
I should be quite interested to know where this post was discussed. Courtesy would at least extend on a first comment (yours) to say where my readers are talking about it. Why not here?
Thank you for the stats. For those turning this into a potential racial issue, your answers lie there.
LikeLike